Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2838 of 6451

No matter what, there will always be dirty thoughts of you floating around in people's heads somewhere.
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02-13-2013 07:40
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Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
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02-13-2013 07:39
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A pizza delivery guy knocked on my door & said, "I have a pizza delivery for your next door neighbor but no one is answering the door!" I replied, "No worries they use my door as their backdoor..." and now I have a "Do not disturb" poster on my door.
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02-13-2013 07:01
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I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
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02-13-2013 06:33
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A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.
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02-13-2013 06:32
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Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.
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02-13-2013 06:26 by badmonkey
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i am giving up giving up for Lent
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02-13-2013 04:37
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Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.
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02-13-2013 03:53
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I WILL ALWAYS WEAR BLACK ON VALENTINES DAY.
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02-13-2013 03:40
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Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
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02-13-2013 03:17
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It turns out Muse is more than Musicians United for Safe Energy. It's an okay band too!
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02-13-2013 01:23 by Hot Tea
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I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.
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02-13-2013 00:43
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I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!
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02-13-2013 00:42 by David
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At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.
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02-13-2013 00:01
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Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?
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02-12-2013 23:58 by women
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I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.
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02-12-2013 23:41
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How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.