Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the people I don't love, I don't love you the most.

   Every month you push your kid in a stroller after they can walk is another year they'll live in your house after they turn 18.

   Question... Can I pay for pùssÿ with foodstamps if I plan on eating it?

   Roses are Red...Bacon is also red...Poem is Hard. Bacon.

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   *opens beer with double chin*

   Looks like they used up all the power trying to revive Wyclef’s career.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   I swear officer it started out as acupuncture and then just kind of transitioned into stabbing.

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people

   YouTube... The only way you'll ever see MTV play music videos.

   I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read

   punctuation is important. Take; Jesus, people are crazy or Jesus people are crazy. OK, that's a bad example but you know what I mean...

   n't it a shame that Isla m is such a fragile religion that the mere sight of Buddhist statues, Bibles or Barbie Dolls serve to threaten it's very existence?

   Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.