Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   theres the old saying "you are what you eat"....glad I'm not in Britian eating horse's ass

   Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!

   How do people know Dinosaurs roared if nobody ever heard them do it?! ...Maybe, They Meowed

   Like for impeachment

   no one looks back on there lifes and remember the nights they got plenty of sleep.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   Abercrombie clothes are NOT meant to be worn by fat people, Just sayin'

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   seat belts are for people who have time to die, hell I don't even have time to sleep

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

   Article on USA Today talking about guns "Role in suicides". I guess the next time someone jumps off a bridge, we will start talking about tearing all of the bridges in America down...

   all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.

   never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.