Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to know who Jimmy Fallon blew to get his late night TV show.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   If we really are living in a computer simulation, it wasn't very bright of the simulators to let us find out about it.

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   it me, or Monday comes around and your sleepy throughout most of the workday, but after what feels like 5-hours in rushhour traffic, you have enough energy for a Party with free drinks?

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

   I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

   has discovered that telling a girl you don't have any sores isn't the best way to get her to kiss you.

   you know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   I lost my mood ring and now I don’t know how I feel about that.

   If a dog gave birth to puppies near the road can it be cited for littering ?

   i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right?

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   1.- Open YouTube website 2.-Type "do the Harlem Shake" and click search 3.-Don't click anything just wait and see what happens lol

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty!

   'What would I do without you?' is such a stupid question to ask. Because all I need to do is what I was doing before you came along and complicated my existence.

   Nobody ever lost money overestimating the fatness of Americans.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.