Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.

   I hope your couch pulls out cause I don't!

   The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.

   Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man whose been single longer than 6 months.

   That ackward moment when I'm no longer drunk and you're still a goat.

   I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.

   Boy nothing says band wagon than Harlem Shake.

   The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility.

   Lets flip a coin, heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   I am pretty sure that Dennis Rodman is qualified to be a Democratic Congressman from California'

   If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   *Showering together* Girl: "Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)" Guy: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.

   Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.

   IKE if you love that feeling when you finally take your shoes off at the end of the day.

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole

   I'm already sorry for what I'm going to do this weekend.

   Too many faithful girls are single, and too many h&es are taken.

   Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.