Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That's it. I'm done. I'm never hanging out at a swimming pool again."~ Marco Polo

   Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.

   trying to have sex when you're wasted is like trying to play pool with a piece of string

   Thailand tourism - boys will be boys, the girls will be boys too

   Drink before you speak

   Epidemic: Girls who have really good male best friends, but claims they have no man!

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   I'm a people person. As long as the people are hot girls...

   Don’t tell a girl who gives bad head she’s good. You’re making her comfortable and ruining it for the rest of us.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   I’m white but I’m not Betty White.

   it allowed to go to the dentist drunk? Asking for a friend.

   I watch p orn for the interior design ideas!

   I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.

   I love blank papers. They are so innocent.

   I'm white but I'm not "call a radio station to try to win Bon Jovi tickets" white.

   Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs head.

   Sometimes I feel like my heart really doesn't have my best interests at heart.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA