Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage., you are a wh0re.. :)

   Watching the news... Oh Look its a new report in India... AAaaand Its RAPE!

   My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.

   I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.

   You had me at "I've got weed."

   If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.

   If I ever have an ugly child there is no way in hell they're going to find out about "Bring Your Child To Work" day.

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   So the Clinton's postion on gay marriage has "evolved" and they are now in support of it. I'm confused, haven't they been in a gay marriage since 1975