Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   What kind of streets do zombies like the best?… Dead ends

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.

   Taylor Swift - 22 going on 14.

   so KimYe are planning to name their baby North, I think South is more fitting though.

   Just saw a woman post in search of "breastfeeding equipment." Weird. I thought she should already be equipped.

   Could someone please call Al Gore and ask him to turn global warming back on?

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   Listen SNOW, unless your singing "Informer" no one wants to see you right now... First day of spring my ass..

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   the first snow of spring is always the most beautiful

   Can't afford a Carnival Cruise? just camp out next to a Port-a-Potty.

   Just lost 50 lbs. Time to put it all back on again.

   You say, "Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent ."This is not true again; she is actually dependent on her vibrator!!

   I can't afford a Carnival Cruise this year so I'm just going to hang out at a Porta-Potty near the beach.