Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd trade 75% of my friends for a box of Oreos.

   We're all our own worst critics, except for you, I'm your worst critic.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   Ladies: A man's superpower is to tell you everything you want to hear.

   it's unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.

   Sometimes a guy will say he’s “fine” when in fact he’s actually fine.

   I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.

   I read the obituaries for motivation.

   At least I care enough to go through the motions

   Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say.

   Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.

   Some days I don't know why I even put my cape on.

   Blood really is thicker than water...this bathtub has been draining for over an hour now...

   I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.

   I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more times than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don’t, raise your standards.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: If you stamp on Trump's foot,, his hair pops straight up like a trash can lid.

   Thursday evening is when I am at my most sober. Hate it more than Mondays.