Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.

   I'd call you a cun t, but I actually like cun ts.

   Do some people just wake up one day and think, "I already have 2 bumper stickers, why not 70?"

   The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"

   There is no game if you refuse to play.

   When you want to say you've missed them but can't bc it'll restart all the b ullshi t.

   Half of the times the purpose of my smile is that I want to make some people worried.

   Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

   Apparently I didn't use enough As*hole repellent today!

   I must confess...I want to get back with my ex..LOL just kidding! I would rather Sh*t in my hand and clap!!!

   It's time for my weekly game of, "Let's see how long I can drive with my gas light on."

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Honk if you hate car horns.

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...

   After deep thought and years of studying the language... Am I correct in thinking that zoom a zoom zoomin in a boom boom is indeed, penetrating a butthole?

   Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.

   Today is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. “So it’s like any other day. Right?

   I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.