Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.

   It isn't considered littering if you throw your beer cans out the window after spotting the police. I call it disposal of evidence but the law calls it tempering with the evidence.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.

   You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.

   Starting my prune juice and baked bean diet tomorrow

   I have an immigration plan all americans will support. The hot chicks are allowed to stay. The fat chicks and the guys get sent back to Mexico.

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" - Women

   I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. The I realized she was just putting me on hold

   You say, 'I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL' What if it's caused by anxiety of losing you and missing you?

   I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL

   f by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   FUN FACT: Trying to find a shortcut out of IKEA on the weekend was the inspiration for the ending of The Shawshank Redemption.

   I feel like homeless people were once kids who decided to build a blanket fort but then just kinda stayed there

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   If you're poor you're a "Hoarder." If you're rich you're a "Collector."

   Even WITH a paddle, I still wouldn't go to sh*t creek.

   If you have at least 3 friends you can depend on to help you hide a body, Your enemies should be Very Worried!