Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Domestic terrorism is when my cleaning lady whacks me upside the head with a broom.

   Memo to Lindsay Von. When it ends badly, EVERYONE saw it coming except the Kardashians...

   I was devastated to hear about the bombings in Boston yesterday. Now, I'm all smiles hearing about the 7.8 earthquake that hit Pakistan and Iran today.

   There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.

   Get fat with me so I know it's real.

   In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...

   Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life.

   Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

   After seeing the price of Gold drop I am now glad that I invested in weapons grade Plutonium.........ahhhh, I mean silver, yeah silver

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   watched one minute of pro wrestling and realized I'm not such an idiot after all...

   My friends status said, "Suicidal, standing on the edge of a cliff"... So I poked him..

   This must be the sensitive site. Lets figure out who did this and Let loose with Team 6

   I was thinking about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

   I'd like to Jack Bauer this alleged Saudi suspect....