Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   I don't care about high gas prices!... I always put $20 dlls in my car!. 

   Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse.

   Men are only as loyal as their options

   Happy Earth Day. Please keep it clean. After all.... it's not Uranus!!!

   Sometimes your greatest contribution to mankind is just keeping your mouth shut.

   I'll bet any one of you I could stop gambling!

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

   Dating a single mother.... It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Al Michaels arrested for DUI. Don't worry Al, John Madden makes me want to drink too.

   I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...