Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There should be a Disney princess who lives in a ghetto... just to give hope to all the black girls out there

   Nothing is better than watching a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   I wasn't sure that I was hungry enough to eat a whole pizza, so I sliced it into six pieces instead of eight.

   Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.

   My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?