Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a lovely winter, we're having this spring!

   hanging out with his friends Mike Rotch and Jenny Talia.

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   How can you have YOLO Sundays, every Sunday??? some of these club promoters need to get a marketing class!

   JAB, Well, through the laws of averages, I've lived past my expiration date. . .

   I went in to see a psychiatrist. I say, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?

   Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

   Sorry sir...but your wife didn't make it.. ) : Was it*sniff*...lack of prayers on facebook? D : Yes sir...i'm afraid it was... ( ._.)

   men are judged according to this "What they do Who they are and How much they make"

   JAB, Stalking my Facebook friends.. one at a time. . .

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Women are like maths. As soon as you think you've finally figured it out, something harder and more confusing comes along.

   If a relationship is when you think about them when they're far & you never want to leave them, then I'm in a relationship...with my bed.

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!

   Reese Whitherspoon and Taylor Swift must be somehow related coz they share same genes.

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...