Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you park in the 'C' section of the hospital parking lot...do you have to climb out of the sunroof?

   Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT

   Congratulations Michael Jordan on your new marriage.....Now she owns you.

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."

   Jason Collins is the best ball handler in the NBA...

   Jason Collins said coming out of the closet would been a lot easier if his closet wasn't so FABULOUS!

   Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

   You know you're gay when you bend over and see four balls.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   i just shake my head when I see a joke on the recent that I seen on RECENT months ago

   If being Gay is supposed to be genetic, How do they pass it on to their kids?

   Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.

   I should be a garbage collector because I’m apparently really good at picking up trash.

   I had my blind friend over today and I forgot to take out the plunger!! Sorry m8

   My blood type is "Aunt Jemima".

   optimistic people say "nobody is perfect" ......all my haters say "he's nobody"....even my haters think i'm perfect

   I'm up to no good with good intentions.

   What do you call a Mexican who has just lost his car? Carlos