Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   My gynocologist needs more windows in this van.

   I hate it when me and my subconscious is having a heated debate...and just when I come up with good comebacks, it thinks up a even better one! I thought about drinking on Friday, subconscious said "how about now!".... good one!

   Looks like lil wayne had another seizure.....Maybe she shouldnt be hating on the Miami Heat. Cuz that's when it all started...

   Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.

   RIP Chris Kelly - trust you have gone to the big trampoline in Heaven to Jump, Jump

   After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.

   Guys, if my hair doesn't look like a birds nest afterward, you're doing it wrong.

   "I woke up in a new back alley..." MC Hammer

   Cement your friend zone status by calling a girl “dude.”

   I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

   Thursday: Friday's younger, yet equally attractive sister

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   I don’t get it. So in a gay marriage, they have two couches?

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   Okay Facebook can we have one special button that prevents anyone from inviting me to their event. Judging by the amount of time I spend on FB, you should know by now I am not an event kinda guy.

   CHINA vs INDIA - What a shaky situation for the United States. Who to side with. The Country who owns our mortgage and makes our stuff. Or the country who we handed all of our IT operations to.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.