Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!

   Vagiinas are like the weather if its raining and wet, Its time to go inside!

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   completely worn out after spending the whole weekend at a genital jamboree.

   Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   I wanted to do a mexican joke today but that's just crossing the border!

   Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that a$$hole.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"