Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It just dawned on me that Flo from the Progressive commercials is somebody's Aunt.....

   Lady, your thighs need a divorce.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

   The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.

   If she starts screaming things you’d only hear in a Pitbul song during sex. You’re doing it right.

   Show me on this doll where the shower curtain touched you.

   Can’t wait for when evolution gives women bigger hands, so that they can cuddle with themselves after sex.

   I think the perfect situation for the three Castro brothers that kidnapped those girls. Have them share a cell with Jodi Arias.

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   I've just heard Fergie has retired, what'll happen to The Black Eyed Peas now?

   "Smells like a Storms a brewin' Jack!" Ohh God ive been watchin too much Duck Dynasty!

   Saw a deaf guy using sign language with someone but then it looked like he started yelling at him, turns out he was just swatting a fly.

   I just have no patience for people who don't know how to do their jobs effectively. I paid for sex now you figure the rest out.

   "Dad, are we from China?" "No, son, why?" "At Sunday School, we sang am asian grace."

   Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

   Lesson Of The Day: Watch who you eat ribs with.

   I think Charles Ramsey might be on to something here. I'm going to get a deep dark tan and fly down to Cleveland and see what white women come running into my arms.

   Those three little words. Those three little wonderful words that mean so much. Yes. Those three little wonderful words: "HEY LET'S EAT!"

   There's just some day you want to hear Kripke from Big Bang Theory sing "Rollin" by Limp Bizkit.

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...