Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that a$$hole.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   I wanna go kick a pigeon.

   All stick figure people are black and all of the family stickers on peoples cars are white

   How the hell do hundreds of male Smurfs live with only ONE female smurf? It's no wonder they're BLUE!

   time to buy a mother's day gift with my mom's money :)

   I have amazing will power to have avoided the gym for as long as I have...

   What do you get a liberal for Christmas? A tent so they can not work like the rest of them.

   People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck".........

   the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   Today my eight year old daughter told me Bieber is lame, and I was so happy!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

   I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.