Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.

   My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.

   All these tornados need to aim better ---------> Westboro Baptist Church

   there's a big difference between being handicapped and just f*ucking lazy...

   When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

   i think the secret of walking on water is knowing where the stones are.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I dont want to wake up, I'm a sleepy head kid. Theres a million things I need to do but I want to sleep in. ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.

   My car was stolen last night..I was going to call the police but then I thought 'nevermind...I'll let him try explain the bodies in the trunk...'

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention

   Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems

   Some girls drink to get drunk. Some drink to get bi.