Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!

   I dance a little in my chair while I'm eating one of my fave meals..... Don't judge me -_-

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores are now accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Jealous? You can't say that just cause I murdered a couple of guys who spoke to you. Oh all of them? Ok let's not focus on the details here.

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   Can the next terrorist bomb the westboro baptist church? That would be kinda cool actually

   My cats can't drive. But, that doesn't stop me from sending them to the store for more booze.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   Single ◽ Taken ◽ Vodka ✔

   FYI - Police say Boston Marathon bomber has been buried in undisclosed location. Hopefully wrapped in bacon with a Bible on his chest...