Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.

   you are so beautiful that when we are out, people assume I'm dying and you must be from the Make a Wish Foundation.

   I honestly believe the reason I get such a dark tan in the Summer is because I spent so many years working on a Suntan Oil Rig.

   A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent... and FABULOUS!!!

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.

   "good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game

   As I get older I spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter. Every time I enter a room, I have to stop and say, "Now what am I here after?"

   I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to 'like' them.

   When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled.

   My girlfriend asked me if I see myself having kids...I told her to stop asking me childish questions.

   LeBron travels like crazy and never gets called on it. He's comes from near the 3 point line, doesn't dribble the ball at all, then does the lay up for the score. They should show the Heat games on the Travel Channel.

   Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   NO, I'm not drinking alone. I'm here with all of my Facebook friends! That counts.....Yes it does!!

   I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!

   You know it's good advice, when your still confused afterwards.

   Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.