Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I touch your avatar inappropriately

   Squirrels have 4 teeth.... Jealous Tennessee?

   You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post's every day...

   turned around in bed to say goodnight to my beautiful lady...after three days I wonder why she doesn't have the decency to stop saying "who are you.? Please let me go!"

   Do we ever really "Want" McDonalds?

   Just an observation but.....I believe this exotic dancer might make a little more money if she would wax her mustache

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   So is PMS also called "game of hormones"?

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   A recent survey has said that 29% of pet owners sleep with their pets on the bed......... I tried it once, poor goldfish died :/

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.