Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   Age is no guarantee of maturity.

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart.

   "No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."

   “If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”

   My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   my kids hit me up for money like a pinata

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.