Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   I hate when people asks me: What happened to the sweet old you? Well B**chhhes like you killed it!!

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   I am NOT playing "Hard-to-Get". I'm playing "I-Don't-Want-You"

   mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.

   ATTENTION ANYONE UNDER 25: There was a time Ice Cube was the baddest rapper on the planet. No, seriously. Stop laughing. It’s true.

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   The best person to be thrown in Jail with is the Kool aid man

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.