Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   yes is official- Kanye West has lost his mind!!..he has named his daughter...what for it......NORTH.

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.

   Does the Food Network deliver?

   An elementary school in California is being named after Michelle Obama. It's obvious that the school's mascot will be Chewbacca.

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   Damn. RIP Tony Soprano. *shuts screen off*

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!