Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone set them free; if she comes back it means she doesn't have confidence and turn her off again.

   Love me or hate me. Either way I'm on your mind and I'm flattered.

   Happy Independence Day! Our founding fathers fought hard to give us the freedom to blow shit up...... Make them proud!!!

   Point your camera the other way, stupid! You keep taking pictures of yourself.

   Thyme flies when you forcefully knock over the spice rack.

   The case of beer I bought for the 4th somehow shrank by 2/3rds last night.

   Happy 4th of July my American friends. We got you a gift. His name is Justin Bieber. Keep him!! Love Canada.

   Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key

   The only algebra you need is: The quanity of the crazy is adversely porportionate to the quality of the poon.

   I was going to paint my dogs’ nails but I’m sure the other b*tches would make fun of her.

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.

   Recent studies have shown that you are an idiot.

   Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!

   Happy "Hold my beer while I light this" Day!!!

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.

   if you're poor, then you're the one doing it wrong, dude...

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised she didn't come with both arms raised....Have a Happy 4th of July!