Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   My mom always told me alcohol was the enemy, the bible says Love your enemy. Case Closed

   Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.

   I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower.

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.

   If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.