Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.