Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our society views heroine and alcohol overdose as a tragic accident, I call that suicide accomplished...

   I've decided to quit drinking! Instead I'm peeling the labels off my beer sticking them to my forehead and telling everyone I'm on the patch

   Most atheists aren't angry about the various religions. They're angry about the dangerous people who misinterpret these religions.

   do jaffa cakes count as 1 of your 5 a day?

   In this worldline, the lanisters are all dead. The current state of the economy proves it, no one is paying their debts.

   I bet all the living descendants of the Lanisters have great credit!

   The Lannisters send their regards.

   When you wake up at 3am for no reason, there is an 80% chance that someone is staring at you...

   all the kids wearing hoodies instead of costumes this Halloween are getting skittles, it's what trayvon would have wanted

   Damn, it's so hot out. the tounges of my sneakers are hanging out.

   You might have a million dollar body, but you got a food stamp face!

   A Women's work is never done because she's too busy telling a Man how to do his work.

   Seriously Rolling Stone magazine? Was George Zimmerman unavailable for the cover?

   if you wake up to more animals than humans, I think I know why you're single...

   If you ever Google Gary Oldman FFS dont forget the "R" !!!!

   I just had a "Stand your ground" moment with a black snake in my backyard, I hope the news media doesn't find out about it and instigate more rioting.

   ever wonder if the mcDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?

   this grassy knoll?

   RJ.. The tour de France is cool and everything but I think if I was to ever race in it I would definitely come in last not because of my racing abilities but because of my attention span in a beauti...oh wow is that a mom n pop flower shop on the top of t

   RJ... oh you better believe I'm calling that store asking for the film back! I don't know who or what was in those pics but you caught my attention.