Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey, guys don't want to get with you because you're hot, they want to get with you because you're easy. Know the difference.

   After a certain point, the 'F' on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.

   The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

   Duchess Kate, Ima let you finish, but the Virgin Mary had the greatest Royal Baby of all time.

   Dear Kate Middleton, Thank you for knocking Trayvon Martin off my TV screen.

   Our ancestors created America to get away from the crown. We shouldn't have to hear, and we don't give a puck about, the royal baby.

   Breaking news: The Detroit Tigers file for Little Leauge.

   water is the leading cause of drowning...

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   So much attention for the Royal baby, so many interviews and expert opinions you would think it's the first baby ever to be born.

   i cant stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking the coffee then I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doings.

   Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   Wow, the news is blowing up with news of Duchess Kate in labor. You'd think a panda was being born.

   as my dad always told me when I did something wrong: I will kill you with the help of the thing that I used to make you with!

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.