Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Good thing Obama cancelled the joint military exercise with Egypt next month. I'm sure that will teach the Egyptian army a lesson!

   it looks like a clown threw up on Lady Ga Ga's face

   I'll start spending more time with my Nana when she gets her prescriptions filled.

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull$hitt. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."