Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster

   Thinking that girl was special, then you realized that she's like that with everyone.

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   I'm the funniest person I know. I've got to meet more people.

   Why do my Saturdays always seem to start with me looking for pants. Oh yeah, alcohol...

   Ben Affleck is Batman. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Proves that comic books aren't gay, but movies are.

   i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?

   Lets be honest here. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend, there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Right now I am getting called on the carpet in my Batman costume.

   Judging by my friends getting married, finding your soulmate must make you fat.

   The worst thing you can say to a white girl is a toss up between "Gwyneth Paltrow would hate you if she knew you" & "Your ankles are thick."

   Fortune cookie said to go ahead with any new schemes. Dining and ditching then seemed justifiable.Why dish it out if you cant take it Mings?

   Almost made a citizens arrest today on the grounds of you being a douche bag. In the end I only walked behind you and stepped on your heels.