Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.

   Hey Lorenzo, go home you are borin.

   According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!

   I bet a lot of people in Congress are hoping for a Kanye appearance today.....

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops