Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is a two way street, but sometimes there's a car flipped over blocking both lanes of traffic.

   I'll have what she's shaving.

   John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"

   if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

   You don't know me. And I don't know you. Woah! We have lot in common.

   Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.

   a homeless guy looked at me and said "any change"? I said " no you are still dirty and homeless

   My life is like a good woman. It really scuks.

   I did a search to learn how to play ZZ Top guitar, It said I would never be that bad a**

   Spiders - because men need to feel useful.

   Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .

   Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.

   Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.

   I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.