Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   It turns out that an unlimited charge card is the the easiest way to find the G-spot.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.

   I'm convinced some people are so dead inside that if you cut them they'd bleed black.

   My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

   You must be a Jedi Master...cuz yodalicious....

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   She was so inoffensive that didn't used to harm a fly; the problem was I wasn't a fly.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.