Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

   My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.

   An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?

   Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .

   So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.

   My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'

   You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?

   No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.