Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced some people are so dead inside that if you cut them they'd bleed black.

   My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

   You must be a Jedi Master...cuz yodalicious....

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   She was so inoffensive that didn't used to harm a fly; the problem was I wasn't a fly.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

   We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

   "Tom Clancy - Dead at 66". I've not read that one, do hope it's as good as his other books

   The gov't shut down hurts all the way to the top. Today, Obama could only afford to play mini golf...