Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   What would a man have a need for shoes in the first place if he had no feet.. That gets an X for not funny

   Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women. Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"

   People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares

   Once upon a time, I used to care what people said about me.

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   Hey girl, are you Pepsi? Because you're always my second option.

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   I'm not an a$$hole, I just play one around stupid people.

   I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.