Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Allen Iverson has retired more times than he practiced

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   I never wear a Halloween costume. I'm a character all year long!

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   Happy Halloween! Bring on the booze!!

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   Only part of me happy about a global wine shortage is my liver.

   Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! ;-)

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   There are three reasons which you are inflicting pain on others and destroying all good or bad morals: 1-you're a psychologically twisted serial killer who's not get caught yet, 2- poor , or 3- a fool who quickly mimics people's ideas without thinking.

   One day there's gonna be a huge memorial dedicated to the people who sacrificed their lives to sit at a computer for the majority of their existence

   You say," If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice. "There's no advice; he's greedy not needy.

   What's with all these Anti-Bullying campaigns? Do kids nowadays not know how to join gangs anymore?!!

   Fu*k all of that Hump Day bullsh*t and stay the hell out of my way cause I hereby designate this Wednesday as five finger death punch day.

   Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

   Excuse me... Tell me more about this mythical corner, around which fudge is made.

   Oh Nothing. Just over here choking on dinner, fighting death like it's my job.

   Lady GaGa had no idea what she was doing when she asked R. Kelly to "do what you want with my body"... Psssssssss