Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.

   the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips

   Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.

   Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun

   If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.

   Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed. Don't blame me there were no windows

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???

   If all he thinks about is sex, turn on a football game. Now he's thinking about football... And sex...

   Dozens of ninjas at my door for Halloween but they weren't very good ninjas, I could plainly see them.

   when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"

   Now that the government has shut down the food stamp program, I can see the television industry revamping the commercials: The Trix Rabbit will be packing heat, and using it if need be.