Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   Liquor stores should deliver to do their part to help with the drunk driving problem.

   Eminem is 41 years old what the hell.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   funny jokes must be a Monday thru Friday job. zzzz

   Marriage is grand. Divorce is a 100 grand...

   Show me you're pushy. - Sean Connery

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him

   Flattery and insults raise the same question: what do you want?

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.

   Majority of people prepared to die for their rights are also willing to lie to avoid their responsibilities.

   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

   If my girl tell me she hanging with her guy friends I hope it's six of them so they can carry her casket.

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   I haven't seen this much white powder fall from the sky since I partied with scar face and he sneezed in his pile of coke.

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials