Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Rejection from a girl at the club only hurts if your desire to get laid is weaker than your commitment to get drunk.

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.