Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   I'm a big fan of anyone who doesn't find me annoying.

   Thought someone was following me around all day but it was just the sound of my thighs rubbing together.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing says MISTAKEN quite like following me on Twitter and expecting me to tweet bible verses or inspirational tweets.

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'

   Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.

   So your saying there is no crying in Flirting? That sure explains a lot!

   Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.... *If I ever forget my passport, this post doubles as proof of U.S. citizenship.*

   that a thesaurus in your pocket?,, Or are you just ebullient to see me?

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   it normal that one of my balls is bigger then the other two?

   Give me hockey over basketball any day. Only one time out per team per game. The play keeps moving unlike basketball where the refs blow the whistle if a player breathes on another the wrong way.