Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   President Obama is the worst thing that has happened to Amerca

   Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.

   Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?

   Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!

   My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…

   and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!

   its national fart on your kid day

   for all you moaning about the pledge of allegiance being taken out of schools I don't see them saying it in church and isn't that where gods at?

   I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   :"SH! Football is on". ~ said no Girl ever.

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.