Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   I continue to be a loser while everyone else around me succeeds. It must be the government and poor peoples fault.

   When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point.

   i want to be the reason you forget to feed your cats

   I'm just practicing my arrogance in case I get rich one day.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "you don't really wanna know"

   I'm confident, but not 'use the middle urinal when there's 2 black guys pissing either side of me' confident.

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.

   Why aren't there more rap songs about being well mannered and generously tipping your waiter?

   BREAKING NEWS!! Whitney Houston drug free for almost 2yrs.

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   Chivalry isn't dead, but it did take an elbow to the ribs when I tried opening the door for that butch looking chick.

   Instead of exchanging gifts at work for Christmas I wish we could exchange families.

   Don't underestimate my ability to relate everything to food or sex.

   Before you forward me a funny joke or pic, assume I authored it.

   Siri, take the wheel.

   I'm so hungry I could eat a whole bottle of whiskey

   Thanksgiving may be the only time some people in California see real breasts

   ☑-Single ☐-Taken ☑- Available for rebound Sex.