Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stopped wondering why I do the things I do a long time ago. Makes me feel dizzy.

   There’s now a song called Saturday by Rebecca Black. The silly ho is slowly trying to ruin all of the days of the week.

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   Antarctica wind chill today -135 below. Al Gore refuses to comment

   Kanye West compared being a rapper to BEING AT WAR ."This is like being a police officer or something or like war or something." "You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.".No Kanye being an idiot is!

   Tonight's the night ... You can tell because the sun's gone down!

   Sometimes when people come up in my chat on Facebook, I feel like Facebook is like "Go on. Open that pandoras box" LOL

   At the store today I bought some recycled Tiolet paper....question....how did they get it so white?

   If milk goes to $8 a gallon its gonna be hard for you ladies to trust anymore.. Cuz you always gonna wonder if he really likes you for you or cuz he loves him some Lucky Charms...

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   Gronk out for season. Ramsey will throw the cheese curls in the air again.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?