Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sitting here with Paula Deen & Phil Robertson watching Roots on tv drinking beer

   To all those who will received a book from me as a Christmas present this year....They are due back at the library in 2 days.

   Reason # 65 why I hate winter: Water heater is set to 211 because the tap water is 33...

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hangout. It just says I can't get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I'm dreaming of a white christmas.. but not listen to bing crosby and then go out and and walk around singing to strangers white.

   It's only 5:00 PM, but I guess I better start my Christmas shopping. Liquor store, here I come.

   OMG can you hear that? Sarah's having sex!!! lol its so loud, like ridiculous, i'm trying to work here for god's sake :)* (Accidently sent to Sarah* the girl having sex)

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   I'm surprised the whiny P.C. police haven't protested "A Christmas Story" yet; after all, it's about a boy who wants a gun for Xmas.

   I got shrinkage shopping at Five Below

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.

   "Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see" a two-faced man.

   Guran is a copy of Bible and Bible is a copy of another old book.; look at that much plagiarism.

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I ever was.

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.