Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

   I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   The world revolves around money, blow jobs, alcohol and pizza.

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   Call me crazy, but I want more. More sex, more love, more LIFE.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!

   one thing's for sure, all those people that always bash atheists won't even bother going to church today

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.

   All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!

   I heard that Kim Kardashian is looking forward to celebrating Yeezus' birthday today.

   Merry Christmas......now that this is out of the way....I can justify the rest of my day with alcohol and shenanigans.

   Guys, just answer truthfully.ur answers may help me in my new year resolutions. Do you think am a "Drunk?"

   If I want to give someone a bottle of Scope for Christmas.....Would that be rude

   Don't make me choke you with this imaginary cell phone cord.

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   HURRY WHILE IT LAST LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! I HAVE 2 NON- HANDICAPPED FRONT ROW PARKING SPOTS AT WALMART $50