Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   I can't believe Razor Companys are making any money.....$40 for 10 blades thet cost $.25 to make???

   They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)

   That last fart smells like why I am single.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Religion is a spiritual joke thats gone too far.

   Some women cook salt with a bit of food in it.

   I'm "when wrestling was the WWF, not WWE" years old.

   For a guy who could turn water into wine, it’s surprising Jesus wasn’t a hit with the ladies.

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   I still haven't been able to deal with the fact that Jessica Simpson has had two children and didn't name either one "Homer"

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?

   2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

   I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.

    "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder

   New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday