Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   New Years Day I will be 100, so New Years Eve I'm going to party like I'm 19 @ 99!

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.

   The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.

   Am I the only person who will admit to intentionally peeing outside when it is cold just because I think it is neat to watch the steam rise?

   you know you gave up on life when you eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner from a "bacon bowl"

   I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?

   I went out to a "Soul Food" restaurant for dinner last night. My waiter was African-American and put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now..........Wait, oh sorry, that's not my waiter

   Anybody else hate when youre mad at someone or upset at something they did, and instead of fixing the problem to make you feel better or acknowledge that they where wrong and simply say I'm sorry.. They turn it around get mad at you and make you to blame.

   Just want to wish all my beautiful Facebook friends a Happy New Year. And for all those who get offended by my posts. I hope you die in 2014

   Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?