Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.

   Spending the night sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   Marriage ain't a bed of roses. Nothing explains this statement than a man spending the night on the couch /o\

   On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.

   Merry Chrithmith!!!- Mike Tyson

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

   I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   The world revolves around money, blow jobs, alcohol and pizza.

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   Call me crazy, but I want more. More sex, more love, more LIFE.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!

   one thing's for sure, all those people that always bash atheists won't even bother going to church today

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.

   All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!

   I heard that Kim Kardashian is looking forward to celebrating Yeezus' birthday today.