Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.

   Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.

   Dude if she was my girlfriends I would probably be drunk all the time too.

   Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

   Why drown in love, when you can swim in lust ?

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.

   The sugar high of fun dip started to not be enough. This time I added adderal to the bag. I'll let you know how it goes. 

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   I've been thinking about walking away from everything and becoming an annoying J3W.

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's probably designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.