Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love my new wood heater. Women actually want to take their clothes off for a change

   When her toes start throwing up gang signs, you know you've hit the right spot.

   One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!

   Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to touch someone where your hands couldn't.

   I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.

   Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.

   I love that part of a healthy relationship where you realize what a psychopath your ex was.

   If you're looking for an ambitious girlfriend, I'd like you to know that I love being on top.

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   I bet if Karl Marx had lived long enough to see Facebook he wouldn't have called religion the opiate of the masses.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.

   I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions.

   20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area

   I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.