Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.

   We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It’s almost like he’s given us up, and let us down.

   If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow.

   Too many critics with no credentials.

   Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch

   I don't understand how girls could be so in love with a guy one week and the next not even talk to him for no apparent reason

   I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..

   This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.

   Starting the year off right!! Fried chicken, French fries more fried chicken and a fried gym membership.

   We get it... You don't like Obama. Quit with the Obama is like a penny sh#t. You forget every Politician is like a penny, 2 faced and worthless

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and pretty much worthless

   Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian...

   I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   fricking elf on the shelf robbed my house! Little bastard took everything! If you see him, call me!