Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.

   Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   I can make your day better just by not being part of it

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart.

   You say its none of your business how someone chose to live their life hey? So its cool with you if I just decide to walk around without pants in public?