Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.

   BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??

   I told my dog that if he keeps waking me up, I'm throwing my alarm clock away, sitting him on my night stand, and sticking a battery up his butt.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.

   Children are just little a$$holes waiting to grow up to be bigger a$$holes.

   Dying is Kim Kardashian's number one fear because in the spiritual world ghosts only have white d*cks.

   Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?

   If the 'D' stands for death, then yes, my Wife REALLY wants my 'D'.

   Lawyers do this cute little thing where they say "retainer fee" but they really mean "BJ".

   I take great pride in the fact that I've never wasted time in playing stupid games like Candy Crush

   You're not the only one who's empty inside, coffee mug.

   "for just 15 cents a day" ...*changeschannel*

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube

   They should of put Justn Bieber in Rikers Island prison with lifers.