Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

   She had me when she changed her relationship status to: DTF

   I wondered where all the herion went.

   Again with these egomaniacs, america is the entire continent, not just a country you morons, now get back on your overworked, underpaid never ending rat race to bring up the downjones so just 1% of the population gets wealthy while FOX says the opposite

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   AUTOCORRECT, but for making boring jokes funny.

   The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   People who post stuff like, "I am so angry right now", "I am bored" or "I am eating supper" what exactly do they expect us to do with this information? Are we suppose to care or something? What's the correct etiquette here?

   Yeah I would delete all the irrelevant sh*t so that my readers would not have to be exposed to it.

   If people would just drive the Speed Limit, then I don't have to reach for my gun!

   If they blackl isted all of the IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t there wouldn't be anything here.

   Blackl ist IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t

   Nothing screams stalker like a total stranger sending you a friend request from a brand new FB account with 7 friends and none mutual.

   I think Old Man Winter & Mother Nature need to have a few drinks and make a little Spring.