Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

   Looks like Tony Gonzalez is the new Brett Favre.

   This bottle of whiskey and I are gonna need a safe word tonight.

   Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

   Wife: Why do you always have your eyes closed when we have sex? Husband: So I don’t lose my erection?

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Angels are just dead people who drink Red Bull.

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Keep calm and pretend it never happened.

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   If you have an iPhone ask Siri what's today's holiday lmfao

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her

   Went for a swim b*tch'ed slaped a whale, handcuffed lighting threw thunders @$$ in jail

   Can you believe it?? A cop just pulled me over for texting!! I let him off with a warning.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   I Can't Believe It Is And Is Not Schrödinger's Butter

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny