Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.

   Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

   One of the rare feelings of happiness in this world is not to feel your stalker's existence.

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I look at my phone.

   @cpaman1981: Easter is on April 20th this year or as in the folks in Colorado and Washington call it, Sunday

   Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!

   The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   The only time you will see Ameriscans bow heads....is when the CANADIAN national anthem is playing!

   Sorry to the USA womens hockey team...SO sorry for being so awesome!

   You have a better chance of falling out of an airplane, landing on a trampoline, bouncing back up in the sky and getting hit by the same airplane than you do of winning the lottery, yet people continue to plunk down paycheck after paycheck…

   The women's USA Olympic hockey team pucked up.

   I'm the only person in the world that gets the flu and gains 10 lbs...

   I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.