Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're country, when the smell of a dairy reminds you of Oreos.

   I don't know what Ash Wednesday is, but you've got some sh*t ok your forehead

   RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

   Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

   I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.

   Only 20 Java updates since yesterday??

   How many more selfies until you're dead on the outside too?

   When I squirt on you, consider yourself baptized in my love

   Sometimes I wonder where Thor puts his hammer while he is having sex.

   If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.

   Long Distance Relationships Are For Fat People

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   Job interviewers like an applicant with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   A real gentleman helps a woman find her panties.

   The drunker I get, the more I loves y'all .