Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer

   If the condom don't fit you must acquit - Darren Sharpers Defense

   Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!

   Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

   Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Come a little closer so I can push you away. - Women

   If the Chinese are so advanced why haven't they started eating with knives and forks yet?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.