Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am all for recycling but not when it comes to lovers.

   You had me at "I'm married but..."

   People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   Sorry I shot you in the face with a tampon. In my defense, you were acting like a giant v*gina.

   Putting "it's complicated" as your relationship status on Facebook is saying "I f*ck this person sometimes and I'm pretty hurt about it"

   How do you honestly expect to make it in this cutthroat world carrying a useless brain like yours?

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.

   A restraining order against morning people.

   I think guys are not telling their women how beautiful and gorgeous they are often enough, otherwise how do you explain these countless selfies with self-aggrandizing captions.

   An old Indian Chief was asked if they had Daylight Savings Time on the reservation. The old man replied "Only whyte man dumb enough to thing he can cut off the bottom of a blanket, sew it on the other end and think he has a longer blanket."

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   If I've been renting space in anyone's head, can I have my deposit back with interest. . .

   Think outside the box and live in the moment.

   This weekend, I forgot to set the thermostat ahead on my clock,,,, Mine's still set for winter...

   I'm going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response

   I do marathons (on Netflix).