Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Tired of everyone taunting and cursing you? Do you feel, no one cares about you anymore? Pressure at work? Feel like running away from this boring life?Fly Malaysian Airlines ✈.. And GET LOST..✈

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

   Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

   Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.

   Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you

   My wife told me to whisper dirty things to her, so I said "The Kitchen, Living room, Bedroom....

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden

   The only difference between McDonald's and my work is McDonald's has only got one clown running the show

   Ladies, you can stop with the expensive bikini wax treatments. I have a roll of duct tape. . .

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting a mammogram

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting an MRI

   of all the things i've lost, I miss my childhood the most...

   Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.

   The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big wi

   Don't justify aggressive behavior with cultural diversity.