Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...

   Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!

   if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   "She's so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend?"... Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isn't a judgemental c%nt like you.

   Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!

   My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your cell phone without asking first.

   The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

   People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   I'm just looking for a respectable woman who'll put her thang down flip it then reverse it

   Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.