Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   My shadow is my only black friend.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"