Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   I thought my mom forgot about Dre until she showed up at the beach wearing nuthin but a g-strang.

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.